LETTER TO MY EX

 

[never imagined myself here again]

You said you were not enough for me.

I wish you knew I was not enough for you,

That you knew I was not enough, even for me.

A part of me thinks through every laugh,

I would end up a joke.

A part of me thinks through all those tears,

There was sufficient water for your garden. 

That a part of me knew the risks that came with me bearing my nakedness,

But that risk was nothing compared to how much of me truly wanted to give you my chest. 

I never thought love was complete on its own and that it had to be accompanied by something else.

I guess my biggest mistake was arriving at your doorstep alone, empty-handed,

Entering your house with pieces of myself that were missing.

I think that is why I avoided the mirrors in your house.

I did not want to see myself as the one, who was not The One.

Now in the lonely silence, I hear your voice occasionally asking if I am okay. 

I just wish I had answered that question thoroughly when I still had the chance,

Before I had known you would go deaf to the words that came from my soul. 

HOWEVER

Through it all. 

Through not being enough,

    Through being undeserving of you,

I apologise for selling you a dream wrapped in nightmares.

I apologise for never sleeping at night and ever getting the chance to dream about you,

About us,

Or whatever once was. 

A part of me secretly knew you needed someone who understood patience,

Someone who knew that your silence did not mean destruction.

I just could not let the world have you, when you were my entire universe. 

Maybe I was selfish. 

After you left,

I spent nights spiraling outwards and inwards trying to find the plot twist,

Trying to find where I let you down,

But I guess it was too late by then and that is why you had to let me go.

UNFORTUNATELY,

I do not know how to let you go,

Maybe I could make peace with it,

Maybe I could talk about it,

But the conversations I had with my walls at 3AM, always reminded me of why I always felt caved in,

Why I thought that hiding was protecting you,

protecting me.

But what kind of protection leads to broken hearts and complete strangers. 

I wish I had answers,

I wish that I could release you.

Maybe one day I will,

But right now an extra day of you in my mind, 

holds me together,

Because that is the closest I am to you,

I am sorry.