CONSTANT CHAOS.

 

[ I am actually quite anxious typing this out right now here we go. ]

It's been years of me battling with mental illnesses and other issues I don't wish to talk about right now. With my second book coming out soon , I really don't know how to feel. I feel like I'm losing my sadness , something I have related to all my life. It scares me to see myself being positive or just watching myself change every day and become a better version of myself. It scares me to know that I have to let an identity that never really defined me in the first place go. I see myself doing amazing things , being human every day , finally breathing , getting to enjoy the sunlight you know , the little things. I think maybe I am addicted to chaos , I don't know stability or silence. I feel confused when things aren't chaotic because there has to be something that goes wrong and things that need me to shout with every tear that rolls down my face. 

BUT. 

I am human , I am the guy that can do weird things and still be the intellectual that never stops talking , life of the party. I know I'm happy , I know I see the light and I know I'm putting in the work to get the things I deserve. Things will look up , things will get me to where I need to be but God I love where I am right now because when I look at everything , had I not had those challenges I would've never met the people I got to love , the solid friendships I have built , nor the courage to put this on a public platform. I just want to thank you guys for constantly holding me even when my grip let go of you guys. Man , I am happy. 

But that's the delusions I tell myself to deal with whatever I'm feeling. There's nothing wrong with being happy , but remember I'm scared , I'm really scared and right now , I just want every one of you to know that; nourish yourselves , water your gardens. Nothing makes a garden look unhealthy , like dead flowers , wilting , waiting to dry out and turn into the soil.