she HAD a DAUGHTER.

 

[ I cried whilst writing this piece, I didn't know it would hit me this hard. ]

How do I. 

How do I tell my mom that the daughter she birthed no longer exists in me. 

How do I tell her that all my life I've been more connected to my masculinity. 

How do I make her understand that I stayed her daughter for as long as I could because I never wanted her to feel like she lost a child. 

But I lost myself in those years of pretense. 

How do I.  

How do I explain the amount of pain I've endured living in a skin I don't own. 

How do I make her fathom that even when I do become the man I'm meant to be , I'll always be her daughter , her child. 

How do I explain that I'm part of a community she's protected me against her entire life. 

How do I explain to her that the husband or boyfriend I'll be bringing home is myself. 

How do I ensure that her love stays with me throughout everything and that she won't ever judge me for not staying the way she had hoped for me. 

The hardest part is that , we brought into to this world to build ourselves , for ourselves , but all my life I've built for her. 

As much as I know she loves me , I fear that her comfort and her support won't be the same as to when I was just a tomboy on the streets. 

How do I. 

How do I explain to her that I've been yearning for testosterone from as early as age 11. 

How do I explain to her the amount of gender dysphoria I've felt and how choosing a graveyard is better than existing as a woman in this life. 

How do I tell my mom that I'm on the verge of a transition without disappointing her. 

How do I tell her.

How do I undress this conversation , like I would undress someone's daughter. 

How do I explain that when I ask for the salt to be passed it is because I align with the bitterness. 

How do I explain I've been watching other kids get supported by their families with open arms and struggles , but eventually get through it. 

How do I explain to my mom that this is a step I'm taking. 

How do I let her know that it's all going to be good and safe without her telling me I'm making a mistake.

I understand a parent's fear , but does she understand my suffering ? 

How do I wipe these tears off with enough words of comfort. 

The last thing I want is to be a cheetah that has their tears imprinted on their face for the rest of its life. 

How do I.