FORGIVING ME.

 

[ sometimes writing is breathing ]

I'm learning that I'm healing and everyday won't look the same. I'm learning that healing does not look like a stainless glass , that has been cleared of all visible stains. 

I'm learning that I'm healing and some patterns might still

circulate but cycles are meant to be broken and it doesn't happen overnight.

I'm learning that I'm healing therefore I have to forgive myself for only surviving with what I was equipped with and the knowledge I had absorbed.

I'm learning to forgive myself , in a manner that makes my healing forgive those who have hurt me.

I'm learning that I can never heal through another human being because medication is sold at pharmacies and traumas , anger and triggers are not what you prescribe to those around you.

I'm learning that I'm healing , therefore I want to apologise to those I dug graves for whilst they were still alive , hosting funerals for their souls that I crushed , because I did not realise my hurt wasn't healing but a tranquilizer to numb those who shared their existence with me. 

This is the moment I can say I've learnt from my healing. 

I've learnt to not romanticise my pain or build a bond with my anger. 

I've learnt that patience doesn't only occur in the existence of time but also in the strings of the heart I'm trying to repair.

I might have been broken and bent and broken again , however every single part of me has taken those pieces and used them as a point of reference to say I'm learning that I'm healing therefore I need to learn to give myself days to break and days to heal. 

I've learnt to apologise to myself for giving up on myself before

anyone else could.

The most important lesson out of this is that; I'm learning that I'm healing and everyday doesn't look the same.